Wellness Series, Part 6: The Power of Social Connection
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash
Why is Social Connection important?
What do I mean by connection? Connection is the sense of closeness and belonging someone experiences when having supportive relationships with those around them.
Human connection happens when two or more people interact with each other and each person feels valued, seen, and heard. There’s no judgment, and you feel stronger and nourished after engaging with each other.
As a species, we have evolved to be social, to live in 'tribes' and to form strong bonds with our fellow humans - that's what has helped us get where we are. Over the past few decades, however, our lives have changed dramatically, and the world has been grappling with an epidemic of loneliness.
Social connection plays a huge role in our overall wellbeing. Having positive relationships in our lives helps by:
👉🏼 improving our mental health and making us more resilient to stress
👉🏼 boosting our immune system
👉🏼 increasing our lifespan
👉🏼 improving our quality of life
👉🏼 increasing our self-esteem and empathy
👉🏼 making us feel happier and more fulfilled
Social connection can be a chat over coffee with a friend, a hug from a partner after a long day, or a walk in nature with a family member. Connecting with someone doesn’t have to always include words, either. Time spent in relative closeness and experience can also be a bonding experience. And connecting with our non-human family members can support our wellbeing in similar ways 🐶🐱🐹🐷🐮🐰
How to create deep connection
Get out of your head!
We spend so much of our lives either comparing ourselves to other people or worrying about what other people think of us, and that robs us of our happiness and influences how we show up in the world, even when we don’t realise it. Thomas Cooley said “I am not who you think I am, I am not who I think I am, I am who I think you think I am”, and it sums this up so well. When we stop comparing ourselves to others and embrace who we really are, we can show up authentically and build stronger relationships.
Embrace vulnerability
This is a big one, and it’s linked to the point above. There is no true connection without vulnerability, yet many of us have the tendency to close ourselves off because of fear of rejection and past hurt. What that does, however, is keep us away from building meaningful and fulfilling relationships. When we let down our walls and invite others into our lives, we get to experience a real sense of connection and belonging. And the more we put ourselves out there, the quicker the fear of rejection will melt away.
Find your tribe(s)
Since the beginning of humanity, people have lived in tribes or communities - cooperation and belonging is what has kept our species alive, and research into the Blue Zones (parts of the world with the highest number of centenarians) shows that strong social bonds are key to living a long and fulfilling life. In today’s individualistic culture, however, many people are feeling more isolated than ever before, so regularly connecting with individuals and groups who share our values, passions or experiences can make us happier and more fulfilled.
Don’t skip the big talk
While small talk can be helpful when first meeting someone or getting in touch with someone we haven’t spoken to in a while, it’s important to also embrace ‘big’ talk - which is deep, meaningful conversation about important issues and topics that help you get to know the other person better. How do you initiate big talk? By asking a question that is universal (anyone could answer it) and open-ended (more than a yes/no response). How do you sustain big talk? By actively listening and holding space for the other person.
Show up for the other person
Deep connection requires reciprocity, and being there for the other person in time of need, or showing that we care. When we are only focused on what we can get out of a relationship, it becomes transactional and one-sided, and it will slowly break down over time or remain shallow. How can we show up? By asking ourselves ‘how can I help? / what might they need?’ or through small gestures that show the other person that we care about them.
Common challenges
There can be many challenges in today's world when it comes to connection. Three main ones are isolation, past hurt and anxiety.
As our standard of life has generally improved, the number of people living on their own has also grown. This, along with our increasingly individualistic societies, has made many people feel isolated (especially during the pandemic). So if you live on your own and feel isolated, it's important to look for opportunities to connect with people who share your passions or values. Initiatives like Meetup, groups on Facebook and even local events like ParkRun can help us meet and connect with other people.
A second challenge is the hurt we carry with us from past relationships (romantic or otherwise) that ended negatively. This hurt can lead to us holding back from showing vulnerability, which in turn prevents us from making meaningful connections with others. Working through our past experiences with a therapist can help us move forward in a positive and empowered way.
Finally, anxiety is another factor that can hold us back from connecting with other people in a meaningful way. There are many types of anxiety and I don't have enough space here to elaborate on them, however the key thing to note is that anxiety itself is a normal response - it's caused by our brain trying to keep us safe when there is a perceived danger. Our brains are always scanning the environment and trying to predict the future based on past experience, in order to keep us safe, and sometimes there are things we aren't even consciously aware of that are impacting how we feel. Reflecting on and challenging our thoughts regularly can help, as well as getting support from a therapist or coach. Building our self-awareness and our emotional agility can help us tackle anxiety and build more authentic connections too.
How do we make social connection a part of our daily lives?
I shared some ideas above on how to create deep connection, and they are good starting points.
Remember, if you're not sure where to start, take it one small step at a time. Make that phone call to a friend, or send a message, or join a group where you can meet like-minded people. It can feel uncomfortable at first to open up and be vulnerable, but that's how we get to build positive connections.
It is of course important to define some boundaries that will protect your wellbeing, and to make sure that those boundaries are respected by everyone. This might be hard to do if you have experienced past hurt or trauma or don't know where to start. If that's the case, remember to reach out to someone who can help you do so in a safe space, such as a therapist.
Life is meant to be shared and celebrated with others, so take a small step today to bring more connection into your life and find your tribe! 🙌🏼