Wellness Series, Part 5: Building our emotional agility to help us navigate life’s challenges
Why is Emotional Agility important?
So you might wonder what emotional agility is and why this is one of the seven pillars in my wellbeing framework. Emotional agility is a term coined by psychologist Susan David and refers to an individual's ability to navigate life’s twists and turns with self-acceptance, curiosity, and an open mind. This doesn't happen by ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts, but rather by holding them loosely, facing them bravely and compassionately, and then moving past them to create the transformation we truly want in our lives. Research shows that emotional agility can help people alleviate stress, reduce errors, become more innovative, and improve performance and wellbeing.
As humans, most of us have the capacity for metacognition, which is the ability to think about our thinking. In our complex, fast-changing world, the ability to effectively manage our thoughts and feelings is key to living a fulfilling life. We now live in the age of information overload, which has led to the development of an attention economy, where many things are competing for our attention at once, often making us feel stressed, anxious or overwhelmed. So by learning how to unhook from our challenging thoughts and emotions and by taking values-driven actions, we can move forward with clarity and purpose and live a flourishing life.
How to build your emotional agility
Recognise your patterns
The first step in developing emotional agility is to notice when you’ve been hooked by your thoughts and feelings. This can be hard to do, but there are usually clues that help you become aware (e.g. you are playing the same narrative in your head in different situations).
Label your emotions
When we’re hooked on our specific thoughts and emotions, we identify ourselves with them; there is no space between us and the thought or the emotion. When we learn to label our thoughts and emotions, however, we start seeing them as what they really are - transient sources of subjective data that may or may not be helpful.
Accept your emotions
Our emotions are not good or bad - they simply are. When we don’t accept or try to supress them, we allow them to subconsciously control our behaviour. So make room for your difficult emotions, and do so with compassion and curiousity, rather than judgement. Acknowledging and accepting our emotions prevents us from acting out of alignment with our goals and how we want to show up in this world, and from resigning to negativity.
Walk your ‘why’
When we unhook from our difficult thoughts and emotions, we expand our choices, and we can then choose to move forward in a way that is aligned with our values. Our thoughts and emotions can change like the (British) weather, but our values can be called on at any point to help us make the right decision for ourselves.
Common challenges
When it comes to building our emotional agility, the main challenges are societal norms, our childhood experiences and things like toxic positivity.
Societal norms are the unwritten rules of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours that are considered acceptable in a particular social group or culture. These norms guide our behaviour in order to provide stability in life and social relationships, and to make sense of and understand each other’s actions, which is why we tend to conform to various social norms most of the time. The challenge with this comes when we start feeling inadequate for not conforming fully with society's (or specific groups') norms. In these situations, it's important to acknowledge our difficult feelings, work through them and remember that we are inherently worthy and we should celebrate our uniqueness, because that's what life is all about and why we are in this world. This does sound like it's easier said than done, so if you are struggling to work through your feelings and emotions, it's important to reach out for support from a qualified therapist, as they can really help with this.
Our childhood experiences also influence our emotional agility. In general, parents do the best they can to raise their children with the knowledge and skills they have, as well as through what they picked up (consciously or unconsciously) from their own upbringing. Our early childhood impacts how we make sense of the world around us, and what we believe to be true about us and life. These beliefs (you can think of them as our 'programming') can influence our choices and behaviours throughout adulthood, for better or for worse. Learning to let go of beliefs that no longer serve us can empower us to live the life we want and deserve, and it all starts with being curious and compassionate about ourselves, and reaching out for support when and as needed. Both coaching and psychotherapy can help with learning to let go of limiting beliefs.
Finally, toxic positivity is a dysfunctional approach to managing emotions which dismisses the more difficult ones, particularly anger or sadness. The key to overcome this is to remember that all emotions are valid.
How do we practice emotional agility and make it a part of our lives?
So, how do we become more emotionally agile in this fast-paced, ever-changing world? The key word here is practice. It is something that takes time and requires you to show up for yourself and your values consistently.
I mentioned above 4 key steps that help us build our emotional agility:
👉🏼 recognising your patterns
👉🏼 labelling your emotions
👉🏼 accepting your emotions
👉🏼 walking your 'why'
It's so important to remember that our feelings and emotions are neither good nor bad, they're simply a response to both our external experiences and our internal narratives.
Life will throw us curveballs at times, and there are things that are outside of our control. Nonetheless, trying to supress how we feel is not healthy and will only make those feelings and emotions stronger. Learning to label and accept our feelings, and processing them is really important, as well as drawing on our values to guide us in terms of moving forward.
This is easier said then done, so remember that you don't have to go through these steps on your own. Reach out for support and connect with others to help you go through difficult times and process complex feelings and emotions. As Susan David says, 'life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.'
There is a lot of suffering in the world at the moment, and there is a lot that can overwhelm us (especially if you're an empath, like I am!). Remember that the weight of the world does not rest on your shoulders, and also that, when we come together against injustices and to make the world a better place, life takes a different dimension and we find more purpose.